Posted by Jen

Ever see a cake so deliberately confusing that you're sure you're missing something obvious?
I mean, look at this thing:

Someone went through a massive amount of effort - different colors, squiggle techniques, flotsam arrangement - all to make a senseless, saggy clown volcano. Why? What does it mean?

 

Or how about this snapshot of prehistoric life found in a bakery window?

How I imagine this went down:

"Is that a bridge over all the dinosaurs?"

"Yeah. The Brooklyn Bridge."

".... are you sure?"

"100%"

 

And now, what appears to be candy corn, sandwiched between two half-rounds of plain cake, all smashed onto a bed of... pimento... brains?

Remember when balloons on cake was a thing? And flowers? Those were the days.

 

And finally, Susan found this under the heading (heh) "Naughty but Nice," so I assume it's NSFW... but I can't for the life of me figure out HOW:

Somebody get me a old priest, a young priest, and an anatomy book.

 

Thanks to Vanessa, Jacob B., Andrea P., & Susan C. for the world's naughtiest furry hockey stick.

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([syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed Apr. 26th, 2017 01:00 pm)

Posted by Jen

Sometimes cakes can tell their own story. 


 Oooh. Now that's cold.

 

Thanks to Ally H., Jessica P., Wendy R., Megan M., Sierra Z., & Tori B. for the reminder to always be nice to mom. ALWAYS.

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Posted by Jen

Stacey had a flowery paper plate she wanted her cake to match, so she brought it in to her bakery and asked them to use it as a reference for the decorations.

Unfortunately, what her baker heard wasn't so much "use this as a color/flower reference" as it was "Take this plate, cram it in the photocopier, print it on edible paper, and smack that shiz on some cake. But be sure to place it at a super weird angle, so it looks wrong no matter which way it's facing.
Yes, really. This is exactly what I want you to do."

Do I even need a drum roll anymore? Tell you what, instead, just imagine more of an "angry chickens thwacking you in the face" kind of sound. Seems more apropos.

Anyhoo... BEHOLD:

[sniff] It's.. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

 

Thanks to Stacey W., who promises to glare at any and everyone who chimes in to say at least the border icing matches. YOUR MOVE, COMMENTERS.

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Posted by Jen

Bakers, I know today's topic is a toughie. Heck, after gathering all of these photos even *I* can't remember how to spell it. But that's why I'm here. To "help." And because going anywhere else requires pants.

Right. Here we go. Metaphorically, I mean. Just wipe that "pants" imagery from your mind. Also my use of the word "wipe" just now - that was an unfortunate stream of consciousness thing. Don't say "stream." Crap. Um... look, my number 1 priority here is that you know I DON'T PEE MY PANTS.

Phew! Glad I nipped that in the butt before it got weird.

Bud. I MEANT "BUD."

Great. Now how do I segue this back to anniversary cakes?

7 Handy Steps To Writing "Anniversary"

Eh, that works.

 

1. First and foremost, make sure you're spelling the right word.

This is not the right word.

 

2. Watch out for abbreviations.
Believe me, nobody likes sharing their anniversary with another woman.

Especially this "Ann" character, who really gets around.

 

 

3. Next, WE SPELL.

But not like this.

 

If you're feeling less than confident, here's a hint: the correct spelling has MORE than 7 letters:

 

...but less than 13:

 

And this is right out:

 

4. NO CHEATING.

Cheater.

 

Besides, cheating can lead to this situation:

Er, I meant the cake, but if you think about it, I suppose cheating *could* lead to 60 weddings. You know, if you're really committed... to the opposite of that.

I blame Ann.

 

5. If you are going to leave the word off, at least get the numbereth righteth:

1th, 2th, 3th times a lady...

 

6. And if you have the penmanship of a serial killer, maaaaybe rethink this particular career path:

Or at least stick to Halloween cakes.

And Boss's Day. Boss's Day works, too.

 

7. When all else fails...

Go with Batman.

 

Thanks to Dina M., Keith M., Robbie R., Anony M., Tori R., Nathan R., Vera L., Jennifer K., Sarah R., Corinna K., Z.C., & Adam M. for the reminder that your anniversary cake should always be itself, unless it can be Batman. Then it should be Batman.

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Save

Posted by Jen

Did you survive Giraffe Watch this month? You know, that thing where the entire internet held its collective breath waiting for April the giraffe to have her baby?

(Spoiler Alert: April had the baby... in April. She's meta like that.)

If so, then LOOKIE:

(By Little Apple Cakes)

How perfect is this?!

In fact, I decided that April Showers was just the theme we needed this week.

Although these won't all have giraffes. Sorry.

 

I think you'll forgive me once you see this, though:

(By Cup N' Cake)

Because squeeee!

 

A moment of appreciation, please, for the parents who threw a ninja-themed baby shower:

(By BCakeNY)

You long-time readers might recall John and painted a ninja-themed nursery once, so this sings the song of my geeky lil' heart.

 

As a life-long lover of puns, I also dig the more literal interpretations of a "shower" cake:

(By Always With Cake!)

Plus how great are those colors?

 

Or if you're having twins, how about this Sweet take on "two peas in a pod"?

(By McGreevey Cakes)

So cute!

 

Of course, the classics never go out of style:

(By Little Hunnys Cakery)

And sometimes a cute little stork with pastel bunting is just what the doctor ordered.

 

Or duckies!

(By The Cake Cuppery)

 

Or a baby vampire in a gothic spiked buggy!

(By Black Cherry Cake Company)

Wait. OK, maybe that's not exactly traditional... but I still love it.

 

Will I ever get tired of sleepy woodland creatures on cakes?

(By Cottontail Cake Studio)

No, no I will not. ::grabby hands::

(That fox! Ah! And the flower swag is perfection.)

 

And finally, I'll end with the one I fell in love with for its unusual, stunning design:

(By Silvia Mancini)

YES PLEASE.

See, THIS is the way to do a belly cake! A gorgeous blend of 2D painting with 3D sculpting, and the flower is just the right crowning touch. Pun intended. Love it.

Happy Sunday, everyone! Hope it's extra Sweet!

*****

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([syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed Apr. 21st, 2017 01:00 pm)

Posted by Jen

PARENTAL NOTE: Best keep the little ones away today. I think this is mostly safe for work, though. Mostly. [evil grin]

 

Some of my favorite new submissions this week:

I'm sensing there's a story here:

Just me?

 

And I kinda love how this bakery advertises that they're 50 years old - so mature! so established! - RIGHT NEXT to their poop cakes:

Anyone else immediately "go" to this?

We all are, Danny. WE ALL ARE.

(Also, can we talk about how intentional poop cakes don't look NEARLY as sh*tty as the unintentional ones? No? Allllllrighty then.)

 

Bakers, minions, makers and binions - we've been through this. Right? I mean, I thought I was *very* clear last time. Apparently this needs repeating, though, so here goes.

Ahem hem hem.

UNICORNS DON'T HAVE DONGS ON THEIR HEADS.

Buck up, it's gonna be a bum-py ride.

I'm starting to think you guys are missing the point on purpose, just so I'll write more of my awesome "horny" puns. And they are awesome. But still. Cut it out.

 

And speaking of things that are happy to see you, here's the one kind of troll you WANT on the internet:

(Tutorial here)

 

...aaaand here's how a baker trolls a Troll cake:

Oh.

 

Oh dear.

 

Thanks to Laura H., Susan O., Anony M., & Anony T. for the most excellent wreckporting.

*****

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azurelunatic: (Pacifica)
([personal profile] azurelunatic Apr. 20th, 2017 12:54 pm)
So I went to Tacoma for a week, to visit my primary partner. It was a very nice visit and everyone had fun!

I flew out Monday the 10th, marred by some lateness from the previous plane arriving, but I had a very lovely chat with my seatmate and gave her some info on self-taught programming for her teenage son who is very good with computers and might be interested in programming if he doesn't go the heart surgeon route. (He is whip-smart, autistic, and interested in planes. And computers. And being a heart surgeon.) Upon seeing my partner, I kissed them hello straight off and then we loaded everything into the car and headed for the next stop (taking time to update the local branch of the polycule on what was up).

My partner met my sister, yay!

There were cheesecake-related shenanigans.

I got to meet my partner's co-workers, and see them at work in one of the more rewarding aspects of their job -- plus some of the stuff that goes into making that happen.

I got to meet some long-time internet friends in person ([livejournal.com profile] tygerr & wife), see Ex Mrs. Shawn #1, see [personal profile] vlion and wife and kid. Stories were told. I got to meet [personal profile] rynia and their wife and another friend, plus my metamour, and the people whose couch my partner will be occupying for the next little bit. And I got to meet the people whose spare room my partner and their cat are currently in. Plus see a few bandmates. And a few of my sister's bandmates. And my metamour's mother and brothers. SO MANY PEOPLE.

Very good times were had by all. We listen to some of the same podcasts, and our philosophies of laundry are compatible. The food choices worked out. [personal profile] norabombay and I bat around some thoughts on alpha/beta/omega dynamics as they are seen in fanfic, and basically you'd need some hardcore preparation for an omega heat. You'd want frozen burritos or something that are super quick to fix, a room with a nice comfortable bed, and a fuckton of lube and such. Water bottles for bed. You know.

^_^

Despite some concerns, we did not get told that we were disturbing other guests. We may have been doing it wrong.

^_^

I left on Monday. I did most of my weeping and clinging on Sunday night. I'm adjusting to life back home, but with a part of my head that I didn't realize had been quite so on-edge now purring quietly to itself.

We'd sort of wanted an oasis of calm with just the two of us. Instead, we got the edge of a crisis, as my partner's hosts had been told that it was renovation time and they needed to find a new place. And my partner had various things at work on four of the weekdays. Plus I wanted to meet people while I was there, and show off my partner. So it wasn't just the two of us alone with no worries, it was commuting and work and locating moving boxes and all sorts of little things.

Our emotions and our physical interactions had been growing wildly out of step. It's one thing to spend comfortable time in each other's virtual presence, swearing at traffic or grumbling about an essay or something. It's another to actually touch each other. I had been a little worried: would I push them away in the middle of the night? Would I be able to fall asleep with their skin touching me? As it turned out, if I tiptoed out of bed in the middle of the night to pee, they'd wrap back around me when I came in, and when they got out of bed with their alarm on a workday, I'd grumble something sleepy at the loss of their touch.

When I was an impressionable teenager, I read some MSR portal fantasy with soulbonding, where some form of magic had bound Mulder and Scully tightly to each other; in the early bits of the fic, the space between them decreased, so they needed to be in physical contact at all times. (This was down to some malfunction, and the bond was fixed later on.) But in the beginning, as the bond strengthened, the physical distance decreased.

But that's ... kind of not where things go.

Given the opportunity, my partner and I will snuggle up into each other. We're both a little short on skin-to-skin contact, so I will likely as not have my hand grasping their shirt collar, fingers tucked against their neck. But it doesn't hurt to let go. It's not a problem of scarcity. If they let go, they will come back and hold me again. If I let go, I will come back and curl around them. There's a security. They are a fixed point. My anchor. My love.
Parted from me and never parted; never and always touching and touched.

Posted by Sharyn

In case you missed it, Jen and John just built something insane, which they ROCKED at Star Wars Celebration last weekend.

I feel like a Star Wars theme is appropriate.

 

Quick, Luke, use the 4rth!

(It was then Obi Wan realized getting braces was a bad idea.)

 

"It's as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."

"...with cookies."

(Granted, there are worse ways to be silenced.)

 

If Han and Leia were really into puns:

 

"I nose."

 

"Luke, *I* am your Farther."

"It's kind of a long-distance thing? Like, did you get my postcards?"

 

"Do. Or do not. There is no try."

"...."

"Did not, oh no you did. DID NOT."

 

"They see me rollin'...

"THEY BB-HATIN'."

 

OK, Vader, big finale time! Show us those pearly whites!

Theeeere it is.

 

Thanks Rachel V., Kimberly, Cassondra R., Evelyn D., Amy E., Emily M., Heidi L., and Micaline P., you were our only hope.

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denise: Image: Me, facing away from camera, on top of the Castel Sant'Angelo in Rome (Default)
([staff profile] denise posting in [site community profile] dw_maintenance Apr. 19th, 2017 11:02 pm)
Our content importer has mostly caught up with its backlog; almost everything that's still listed as being "in the queue" are jobs that were tried, failed once or more with a temporary failure, and are waiting to try again. (The importer tries a few times, at successively longer intervals, when it gets a failure it thinks might be temporary/might correct itself later on.) This means that new imports scheduled now should complete in hours (or even minutes), not the "several days" it's been taking.

If you tried to schedule a second import while the first one was still running, at any time in the past 10 days or so, you may have confused the poor thing. If you think your import should be finished by now and it isn't, and you're seeing "Aborted" on the Importer Status part of the Importer page, feel free to open a support request in the Importer category and we'll look into it for you. (It may take a little bit before you get a response; those of us who have the access to look into importer problems have been really busy for the past two weeks or so, and I at least need a few days to catch my breath a bit before diving back into the fray! But we'll do what we can.)

I hope all y'all are continuing to settle in well to your new home!
([syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed Apr. 19th, 2017 01:00 pm)

Posted by Jen

Ahh, those pesky unsold Easter cakes. I feel your pain, bakers. Or rather, I *see* it:

And that IS quite the pickle.

But never fear.

I AM HERE TO HELP.

Listen, like everything in life, this problem can be easily solved by a little thing called re-branding.

So.

What do you see here? An evil lamb cake?

Or is it an evil CLOWN cake? Hmmm?

Right? That's an instant tie-in to Stephen King's IT!

 

And now you can stop trying to convince your customers this is a bunny:

And instead start insisting it's Hello Kitty!

 

A tisket, a tasket, *I* see a UFO blowing a gasket:

 

And speaking of the truth being "out there," clearly your fruit department is ready to fill a much-needed gap in the horror sub-genre of grocery shopping:

Goodbye "spring chicks," hellooooo alien chest-bursters!

 

And speaking of bursting [HEYOOO], how are your bachelorette designs coming?

Because I'd say you've definitely got a handle on 'em now.

 

Thanks to Brittanie H., Angi O., Rebecca B., Shirley W., Julieanne B., & Adrienne G. for helping us come to grips with a whole new kind of Easter egg. o.0

*****

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([syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed Apr. 18th, 2017 01:00 pm)

Posted by Jen

Hi, I'm here to pick up a cake? It's the "Happy Birthday Brittany" one.

Ah, no, see, that second "Birthday" should be "Brittany."

 

 No no, this has Brittany twice. I need "Happy Birthday" on it.


Ok, now you've just combined them into one word. There should be three.

 

 You don't mind if I bang my head on this counter here, do you?

 

 Look, forget the name. Could you just give me a cake that says "Happy Birthday," with sprinkles on it? Yes? Great. Thanks.

 

[Later]

 

 

Thanks to Anony M., Bethany C., Angela A., Margo R., Brian R., & Kasha D.  for the dental training. (Because it's like pulling teeth? Eh?)

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karenbynight: (Default)
([personal profile] karenbynight Apr. 17th, 2017 07:51 pm)
I can't remember the last time me and the kids both stayed home sick, but it was definitely a full house today. Super-proud of one of the kids, who looked up today's homework online and did the ones that they could do without handouts. Also super-envious, because what must it be like to live in a world where your high school teachers post homework online!
([syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed Apr. 17th, 2017 01:00 pm)

Posted by Jen

Tracee asked her baker to write "Good Luck at Regionals" and then add a volleyball.

Which, technically, is exactly what the baker did:

::facepalm::

(Anyone else wonder what would have happened if they'd had an actual volleyball in the bakery?
Because these are the mental images that bring me joy.)

 

Jordan just wanted the number 100 and a smiley face emoji on her super-simple cake design, but a little something got lost in translation:

:)

 

I like to think this is only because someone didn't know the word "emoji," but let's face it [snerk]:

It wouldn't have helped.

 

And finally, parents, I'm afraid you'll have to be SUPER specific when ordering a Power Rangers cake for your kiddo's birthday:

Unless you want to tell the party it'll morph later, hide it, then run to the bakery for a new one.

 

Thanks to Tracee W., Jordan G., Nicole M., & Jennifer K. for literally being the best wreckporters of all time today.

*****

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([syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed Apr. 16th, 2017 01:00 pm)

Posted by Jen

Happy Easter, cake lovers!

Don't worry if you didn't get a basket this year; I've got you covered:

(By The Clever Little Cupcake Company)

With a bonus little lamb! Squee!

 

We've also got a sweet hand-painted bunny:

(By Ludmilla Schmalz)

 

And something for you coloring book fans:

(By The Hobby Baker as part of the Easter Coloring Book Collaboration)

Seriously, how fun is this?!

 

There are so many gorgeous Easter cookies out there that I had to include at least one - and these are the prettiest little things I've seen in ages:

(By Irena "Gingerbread Heart")

That delicate piping! And the cut-outs!

 

Any carrot cake lovers out there?

(By Cake Heart)

I'm digging the texture (how'd they do that?) and the "paper" carrot fans.

 

For those who need a BIGGER basket:

(Baker Unknown. Anyone recognize it?)

Remember to share. (And dibs on the bow!)

 

Did you know an egg is the perfect shape for a dapper bunny?

(By Always With Cake)

Neither did I! But now I want to snuggle him.

 

This little cutie has the sweetest flower arch:

(By Sweet Art Lab)

Love her ears and that bright green grass.

 

And here's a colorful bunny hutch:

(By Inspired By Cake)

Pastel paneling and an eggs-cellent topper; I like the different sizes.

 

And finally, a festive Easter... rooster?

(By Cleopatra Cakes)

Aww yeeeeah. So gorgeous! And he's got an egg (with blue poppies!), so this totally counts.

 

Happy Easter, everyone! I hope your Sunday is extra Sweet!

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karenbynight: (Default)
([personal profile] karenbynight Apr. 14th, 2017 04:12 pm)
I'm not here much yet, but I'm planning to be. Life has been a bit complicated over the past couple of weeks, so doing the import-here-delete-there thing is scheduled for sometime in the next 10 days.

Posted by Jen

Oh, how the Easter tables have turned, sweet cheeks.

That's right, while you bunnies were off terrorizing chicks, someone bigger and badder moved to the top of the bakery chain.

 

So now it's YOUR turn to face eggs-termination.

Not to mention more of my Easter puns.

 

PREPARE...
...for the LAMB-ENTATION.

MWAH-HA-HAA!

 

 

You've heard the expression, "I'll have your guts for garters?"

These sheep will have your mug for a mini dress.

 

And they'll give "carrotbrain" a whole new meaning:

Ouch. Talk about an earful.

 

Don't be fooled by those cutesy bows and flowers:

 

That dude will REARRANGE YOUR FACE.

Ewe better believe it.

 

Of course, some of you bunnies could use a little face re-arranging.

I mean, what the heck, Carl?

And what kind of a bunny name is Carl?

 

This isn't to say lamb cakes are evil, of course:

...they're just grumpy.

 

Well, except Vladof.

He's definitely evil.

 

Thanks to Lisa H., Mary B., Shelley R., Debby C., Elizabeth S., Dawn F., Jessica S., Scott G., Sharon L., Julie C., & Suli C., who bet Vladof is one of those shifty smoking lamb cakes. He's got that air of mystery about him.

*****

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denise: Image: Me, facing away from camera, on top of the Castel Sant'Angelo in Rome (Default)
([staff profile] denise posting in [site community profile] dw_news Apr. 14th, 2017 05:34 am)
Hello, Dreamwidth! Goodness, this past week has been unexpectedly exciting, hasn't it? A warm Dreamwidth welcome to everyone who's just joining us: we're glad you're here, and we hope you're liking the new digs.

Before we get into all the things I have to cover, though: Given the reasons most people are citing for not wanting to agree to LiveJournal's new ToS, I'd like to take a moment and ask: if you're able to (and only if you're able!), please consider donating to the Russian LGBT Network/Российская ЛГБТ-сеть. They not only do excellent work across the Russian Federation, but are currently mobilizing to help evacuate LGBT people in Chechnya who are in danger of detention or death. (EDIT: If you're outside Russia, you can donate through All Out; the Russian LGBT Network website won't accept donations from outside Russia.)

To our friends in Russia who are LGBT and those who are against the mistreatment of anyone because of their sexual orientation: We stand with you. Please stay safe above all else, but if it would be safe for you to post that link, the LGBT Network is asking that as many people as possible publicly share the information that the LGBT Network is ready to help. (They also ask that you do not contact people in Chechnya directly to let them know, as there are reports the authorities are searching people's phones and computers for evidence of sexual orientation.)

The rest of this post is primarily to give y'all new folks a brief orientation (or as brief as I am ever capable of; no one has ever called me concise) to help you settle in, although I hope at least some of it will be useful (or at least interesting!) to those of you who have been with us for a while. Come with me as we discuss Dreamwidth's history, a bit of what (we think) makes us special, the answers to a few common questions about how we roll, and a few useful tips that may help you with the transition.


Dreamwidth 101! )

Whew! That was a lot to throw at y'all at once, I know. (Yes, I always am this longwinded. And I always use this many parentheses.) Everybody who's been here for a while: thank you for your patience as I got our new arrivals up to speed! We'll be back in a few weeks with a code push and a bunch of new features and fixes, so the next news post should be more broadly applicable.

In the meantime, let's have a welcome party in the comments:

* If you're looking for new people to subscribe to you, leave a comment with some basic info about your journal and what you tend to write about! Then everybody can browse around and meet each other. (There's also [community profile] 2017revival and [community profile] addme, both of which are unofficial but bustling lately; holler if you know of any more.)

* If you've been here for a while and have a favorite community that's active, drop a link and a brief description!

* If you're new or you've been here for a while, and you're looking for an active community on a particular topic, leave a comment with what you're looking for and people can recommend you some options. (We've done this a few times before, as "the great community rec-o-matic", and it's never a bad time for another round.)

* If you know of any scripts, resources, extensions, tools, or toys that will help someone make the move, get settled in, or customize their DW experience once they're here, drop a link and a description in the comments. (We can't be responsible for unofficial tools, scripts, extensions, etc, so use at your own risk, but I know there are a bunch of them floating around!)

Finally, a quick note on the importer queue: it's still going, I swear. The jobs finishing now are the ones that were scheduled around 48 hours ago, though, so we really appreciate how patient y'all are being!

As always, if you're having problems with Dreamwidth, Support can help you; for notices of site problems and downtime, check [site community profile] dw_maintenance and the Twitter status account. (We can't do support through Twitter, though! Open a support request instead. Me trying to fit into 140 characters is not a pretty sight.)

Comment notifications may be delayed for an hour or two, due to the high volume of notifications generated after an update is posted to [site community profile] dw_news. This was posted at 5:30AM EDT (see in your time zone). Please don't worry about delayed notifications until at least two hours after that.
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