Baker #1: "So the couple getting married this weekend wants 'United Forever in Love' written on their wedding cake, but they want it in English. UG. Where's our English dictionary?"
Baker #2: "Oh, please. Just copy a few lines off this old box of Twinkies! No one will ever know."
Before you ask: Yes, this really is the cake from a Japanese wedding. Judy A.'s daughter is an exchange student there, and took the photo. No word on what the couple really wanted their cake to say, but hey, it could have been worse! They could have gotten matching tattoos that said "crazy diarrhea." :D
Wreckporter Adria P. found all of today's cakes in the same bakery, on the same day. And since I know how tempting it is for you optimists to think most of the wrecks here are once-in-a-lifetime flukes, I figured this would be an excellent way for me to break out my "I-Told-You-So" dance. (Which is a lot like my "I-Have-To-Pee-And-We're-Out-Of-TP" dance, but with more jazz hands.) Because people need to realize that the bakery world is a mess, and I just need to rule it.
[adjusting goggles]
But first, let's take a look at the average daily fare in this Fine Establishment:
Bad Horse after some really spicy black bean enchiladas.
("Dibs on the festering pile of black goo!")
(PRO TIP: "Festering" makes everything funnier.)
(Unless the thing is on you, of course. Then, less so. To you. The rest of us will still think it's funny.)
The return of the gnarly poop fingers...OF DOOM.
I'd also like to point out that Adria sent these in yesterday, and it's April. Is this like a Christmas in July thing? Halloween in April? And why are the flying orange sea urchins attacking the poop fingers, anyway? Do they always hunt in packs? Do they have shrill little battle cries? I bet they do. I bet they sound like Angry Birds when you successfully complete a level. Only....EVILER. Like, a-letter-of-condemnation-from-the-deputy-mayor evil.
This one actually isn't that bad, comparatively speaking. I mean, I'm not sure how the yellow stuff got dripped on so precisely, or why the Bat logo looks like a battle axe, or what natural ailment would cause an otherwise sane person to think those borders are acceptable for anyone over the age of three, BUT...
...nope, I have nothing to add to that. Never mind.
And my personal favorite:
"Candy From a Baby"
AKA
"How much can we insult our customers' intelligence before they stop shelling out $14.98 for this crap? At least this much. MUAH-HA-HAA! AHAHAAAAHA! Ahah."
Seriously, I love how even the attempt at any kind of decoration has been abandoned. One blobby squirt of a bottom line + finger smeared topping = DONE. And that's about standards, you know?
So Jen wants you to think our national parks are all fun and games and kayaking and snuggling baby otters and stuff. Well, we live in Florida, man! We have the Everglades where literally everything wants to kill and eat you. Or kill you and leave your body for something ELSE to eat you. But definitely with the killing thing.
What, you think I'm exaggerating?
THIS ALLIGATOR WANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE.
That's right, a smashed cake alligator wants to kill you. It's serious down here, guys.
And then there's the snakes:
"Help meeeee!"
Which this baker has so helpfully illustrated mid-murder.
We've got poison toads:
"I want you to croak."
And snakes:
GAAAAAAkeepscrollingkeepscrollingkeepscrolling
And giant angry spiders:
Who team up with killer bees...
Did I mention the snakes?
BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOT OF SNAKES.
Not to mention the armies of squirrel-sized mosquitoes:
They're very friendly. No sense of personal space.
Piranhas:
Seriously.
And panthers.
NO LION.
Because of course we have panthers. Why wouldn't we have panthers?! I mean, what would a swamp be without FRIGGIN PANTHERS?!?!?!
So. To sum up, if you come to one of Florida's many beautiful national parks, you're gonna die. Probably. Best not to chance it. Just go to Disney and marvel at the animatronic deer and bunnies, which are super lifelike this time of year.
This has been a public service announcement from Cheryl G., Kelly V., Tracey S., Anony M., Sarah G., Andrew W., Ashley M., Kelly R., & Gretchen T.
*****
If you know someone who loves frogs, maybe skip the wreck and get them this instead:
Now, I'm a hermit blogger with what my doctor described as a "shocking" vitamin D deficiency, so I think it's safe to say I'm not the outdoorsy type. BUT! I hear there's actually a lot you can do in our national parks.
At least, I think you can fish in some parks, right? Either way, those sculpted waves over the fish are super cool. (Note all the broken hooks, 'cuz the fish won. Ha!)
By popular demand, here are a few more Inspiration vs Perspiration Wedding Wrecks. And shame on you all for finding them so funny.
What was ordered:
What was received:
Fortunately Christine C. reports the the bride and family had a great sense of humor about this Wreck, and even dubbed it the "bamPOO" cake. Heheh.
Ordered:
And received:
Uh, since the cake itself leaves me speechless, I'm going to comment on the background. Hey Jessica M., is that Chewbacca through the window? I mean, given the Han Solo & Leia topper, I was wondering if Chewie was the ring-bearer or something.
And lastly, ordered:
Aaaand received:
You have to wonder if that swipe was a result of the bride fainting at the sight of it, don't you? Still, I guess she should count her blessings: imagine if the wreckerator had been asked to write something on it!
*****
P.S. Here's a giggle for my coffee-loving friends:
I'm taking search offline sometime today to upgrade the server to a new instance type. It should be down for a day or so -- sorry for the inconvenience. If you're curious, the existing search machine is over 10 years old and was starting to accumulate a decade of cruft...!
Also, apparently these older machines cost more than twice what the newer ones cost, on top of being slower. Trying to save a bit of maintenance and cost, and hopefully a Wednesday is okay!
Edited: The other cool thing is that this also means that the search index will be effectively realtime afterwards... no more waiting a few minutes for the indexer to catch new content.
The concept is simple: take an otherwise passable cake, and then stick a completely unrelated piece (or pieces) of plastic flotsam on it. Voila! Flotsam plop.
Oh, and when I say "completely unrelated," I mean "completely unrelated."
And lo, unto us a carrot cake is borne. And high, we suspecteth the Wreckerator was. Eth.
Look, this carrot cake was doing just fine without divine accompaniment - so why the plastic angel pick? Did the Wreckerator think that was actually helping, or was s/he meeting some flotsam distribution quota?
Care to pick a pack of plops?
The migrating guitar herd strikes again.
Here's how you pander to fanboys and fangirls everywhere:
No, no, it's not a blue dog - it's a BAT dog. Sha-pow!
Plus, that upside-down bat logo tells us he sticks to the ceiling!
Bringing "downward facing dog" to new heights.
Perhaps you don't think these examples have been ridiculous enough, though. Nooo problem. What would you say to Dora the Explorer's head stuck in another doll cake's lap?
Go ahead. Try and imagine that's just the world's largest, creepiest belt buckle.
Personally, I'd say "Hola, Dora! S-O-C-K-S!" Because that's all the Spanish I know. I never learned what it means, though, so here's hoping it's not something dirty. (Although, frankly, that might be appropriate here.)
I have some thoughts about the snowman in the gal's lap behind Dora, too, but for all our sakes I'll leave that to you guys in the comments.
So, just how bad is the flotsam plop epidemic getting?
This bad:
Because even cake sold by-the-slice needs accessorizing. And Superman beats everybody at bowling.
Katrina S., Lisa K., Dawn, Frzn D., & Jane D., "flotsam plops" is officially my new favorite phrase. Flotsamplopsflotsamplopsflotsamplops. Heehee!
*****
P.S. Here's one of the coolest gift ideas I've seen for a Batman fan, also works great for anniversities, aniverys, and bat mitzvahs. (See what I did there?))
This is my new favorite belt, y'all. It basically turns anything with belt loops into an elastic waist. So comfy I forget it's on, slimline so it doesn't show under my t-shirts, and NO BELT BUCKLE to dig into my belly or unbuckle for bathroom breaks. Woohoo!
You know how stretch jeans are forever sliding down when you sit or bend, so you have to keep hitching them back up? No more! I wear this with all my jeans now. It's entirely elastic, so it moves and stretches with you, zero painful digging. I HIGHLY recommend for anyone well endowed with squish in the belly area.
So we have Lawn Dragons. A while ago, an inflatable dragon so new that I didn't even have a lawn picture of it got caught in a wind storm and partially broken. It still lit up, but the blower didn't go, and I thought it was probably some broken wires. And maybe we could fix it.
So Belovedest draped it over the lounge chair on the porch, to dry out.
And there it sat.
I admit that I am short-tempered sometimes.
It's lounging season, I think a little early this year. So the dragon and I have been sharing the chair. And much to my annoyance, we have been sharing it with tiny black ants. Which have been using the deflated dragon as a pathway to climb up onto the chair's side tables (it's a retired infusion chair, so it reclines, has tables, and a place to attach an IV pole) and even on to my very person. I discovered this yesterday.
What losing my temper looked like this time was an enticing Craigslist ad for the salvage-condition dragon (free to the first to arrive), along with reviving my ad to get rid of the aftermarket KitchenAid beater that just barely didn't fit my mixer bowl. Which had been hanging around for months and was starting to develop lichen.
They were both gone by the time I got outside this afternoon.
It is THE RAINBOW, you guys - and I like how the bluebirds and 'bow are the only bits in color. Perfect homage to that moment when Wizard of Oz went from black & white to color.
True story: one of John's favorite shirts features the "Couldn't-Care-Less Bear." Just like John, it's a bear that tries to act all cool and disaffected, but at the end of the day, is still a big teddy bear.
[blows a kiss in John's direction]
Can't have a rainbow post without My Little Pony's Rainbow Dash, right?
I was working part time in a bakery line My boss was Mr. Wreckie He told me several times that he didn't like my signs 'Cuz I spelled too "creatively"
Soon he had me lookin' for something else to "destroy" But different from the day before
That's when I saw it - Oooh, I saw it! I dropped it right on the tile floor (tile floor).
It was a Raaaaaspberry purée
The kind you grind and then reheat to pour
Raaaaspberry purée
And if it gets warm it starts to look like gore
Raaaspberry purée
I think I loooove you.
Mr. Wreckie Now, had the nerve to ask me If I planned to do him any harm
I told him, "Look, man, I was only bakin' Surely NO cause for alarm!"
I said now, jelly roll cakes never turned me on But somehow the purée and bread mixed
Eeee-eEEEE-ee! That was a fright! But I could tell Wreckie missed me; Soon I was back to my old tricks:
Thanks to the Raaaaaspberry purée The kind you grind and then reheat to pour
Raaaaspberry purée And if it gets warm it starts to look like gore
(EW!)
Raaaspberry purée I think I loooove you.
***
(Goodnight, sweet Prince.)
Thanks to Diana S., Jillian, Katelyn C., Leigh E., Tara S., Jamie B., Renee, Michelle M., Elizabeth C., and Megan P. for showing us what it sounds like when doves cry.
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