It's nice to see bakeries really getting into the St. Patrick's Day spirit this week:
By which I mean they've clearly been drinking.
This is one week I'd actually kind of love to work in these bakeries. I wouldn't be drinking, though; I'd just be egging on all the drunk bakers.
I'd be all, "Hey, guys, you know what we need? JEWISH LEPRECHAUNS."
And they'd be all, "OMG JEN YOU ARE SO SMART AND PRETTY BUT MOSTLY SMART."
Sha-POW!
Then I'd hold relay races where all the drunk bakers have to ice a cake with their elbows and pipe on the side swags with their teeth:
Ker-PLOOIE!
Next I'd get them all to do that thing where someone stands behind you and and you pretend their arms are your arms and play icing Pictionary:
Bam! Zap! Ni!
And finally, I'd just be overly enthusiastic about everything they made, no matter HOW terrible, kind of like your favorite aunt acted when you were four:
[shrieking] THIS IS THE BEST SHAMROCK CAKE I HAVE EVER SEEN. Who wants more beer?
[gasp] Did you use the airbrush? WAY TO GO, YOU! And did you cut out that paper pot of gold yourself? You DID?! Well, now, who's a big boy? WHO IS IT?!
I have never wanted to kiss a red UFO more.
Yep, I'm telling you, guys, that would be a HOOT.
Now, y'all have fun today, and be safe, and remember:
Easter wrecks are next.
Thanks to Tamara H., Dan B., Lindsay B., Timothy E., Dara M., Courtney L., Jessica D., & Amanda M., for the sobering selections. ;)
Yep, the day when bakers try - and mostly fail - to remember what a shamrock looks like.
Here, I'll give you a hint:
NOT THIS.
OR THIS.
They're also not lumpy Xs:
Broccoli stalks:
Wonky crosses:
Or cacti!
Got all that?
Ok... GO.
See, now you're just screwing with me.
Tell you what, bakers, just go back to making leprechauns.
I mean pots of gold.
I mean rainbows.
OH NEVER MIND.
Thanks to Sheree K., Jerod J., Marisa F., Vanessa L., Paula P., Adrienne L., Julie S., Liz, Michael L., & Cara D. for proving there IS such a thing as too much green beer.
In 1873, Jules Verne published Around the World in 80 Days, the story of Phileas Fogg and his attempt to circumnavigate the globe to win a bet. Now, we can accomplish the same feat in just over two days, with another couple of days added in to get through airport security. (Well, I always manage to get behind that guy...) Today, let's slow down a little and retrace Phileas' trip.
The first thing most people think about when they hear Around the World in 80 Days is a hot air balloon. I found this amazing balloon cake with two guys who might be Phileas and his valet, Passepartout.
Isn't this gorgeous? Wouldn't it be great for a little circumnavigating? There's just one problem -- it never happened. There's no hot air balloon travel in the book.
Pay no attention to any perceived anachronisms -- Jules Verne was a visionary who predicted electric submarines and video conferencing. An edible double-decker bus wouldn't have stretched his imagination at all.
This is much too peaceful and zen-like to run past on the way to your next stop. If I hadn't been rooting for Phileas to win, I'd have made him stop for a nice cup of tea.
Sadly, leisurely refreshments weren't in the cards, but a trip to San Francisco was.
It's just wicked that he didn't have time to catch a show, but the schedule was getting VERY tight, and Phileas still had to get back across the Atlantic.
After inciting a mutiny and burning most of the wooden parts of a ship for steam, Phileas and friends made it to Ireland,
Sadly, it appeared they were a day late -- but of course, it wasn't that black and white.
They'd forgotten about the International Date Line! Upon realizing the correct date, Phileas rushed to his club and won the bet! Significantly richer, he married his lady love and settled down to a quiet life.
(Maybe he even bought a hot air balloon...)
Happy Sunday!
*****
P.S. I've been waiting for an excuse to buy these, so thought I'd share in case you have one:
I'm going to be doing a little maintenance today. It will likely cause a tiny interruption of service (specifically for www.dreamwidth.org) on the order of 2-3 minutes while some settings propagate. If you're on a journal page, that should still work throughout!
If it doesn't work, the rollback plan is pretty quick, I'm just toggling a setting on how traffic gets to the site. I'll update this post if something goes wrong, but don't anticipate any interruption to be longer than 10 minutes even in a rollback situation.
My wife went into a cake maker to get a small cake for my birthday. They asked what she’d like on it and she said, "How about the Chicago 'C', like The Chicago Bears’ 'C' logo? Is that possible?"
They said, "The Chicago C? No problem."
...it was the funniest present I’ve ever received.
Let's hope that Justina felt the same way about her University of Michigan cake, which was supposed to look like this:
But ended up looking like this:
Oh! A swing and a miss!
Karen M.'s son asked for the Alabama "A" on his birthday cake. To help the bakery out, his aunt brought in a photocopy of his Alabama hat to use as a reference.
(Can you sense where this is going? If not, then you really haven't been reading this blog long enough. Heh.)
Ready?
Here's the cake:
Thank goodness they didn't bring the actual hat in; that icing would take forever to clean off.
Today is Ken Day, bebeh doll, and that means I'm here to make all your sexy, sexy dreams come true.
Except maybe that one.
(Never again, Cancun. NEVER AGAIN.)
That's right, my sprinkle-coated sugar dumpling, I am about to rock your world ... by dealing you a hand of Blackjack:
Or, wait... this is a hot tub? Oh. Ok. EVEN BETTER. Mrowr.
Now, slide that sweet little personality of yours over here, and have an enormous glass of ketchup:
I warmed up this side of the concrete slab just for you. [eyebrow waggle]
What's wrong, my tangy berry sweet tart? Is the concrete not to your liking?
Perhaps you'd prefer some Satin Ice* sheets?
I don't lounge this casually for just anyone, you know. Mostly because I lack articulated elbows.
(*That one's for you, decorators.)
These boxers are really confining, though, my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite.
Here, let me slip into something a little more comfortable:
You can't see it, but I'm totally flexing for you right now. Unnng.
Ahh, I can tell by your dismayed expression that you're thinking EXACTLY what I'm thinking, my honey-drenched pudding pop: this DOES cover up too many of my "finer assets." [wink] Well, don't you worry. I can fix that.
[grunting]
[squelching noises]
Ok, my candy-coated cake pop! Prepare to meet ... THE LOINCLOTH OF LOVE:
Take me away, officer; I surrender to YOUR SEXINESS.
Oh, and I should warn you: objects in the rear view are much hotter than they appear.
[jiggle jiggle]
Thanks to Sara O., Sanne V., Mary Ann B., Frank M., Laura S., Renee D., & Lauri M. for helping me retroactively ruin a lot of people's childhoods.
*****
A few years ago, after John and I first published this post, we received an e-mail from readers Charity and Royce. That e-mail contained an audio file. An audio file that, once played, would change our lives forever.
Or at least make us laugh like hyenas for a good five minutes.
So today, for your wrecking pleasure, we present that audio, combined with our original visuals. Turn up the volume, and ENJOY.
Note from john (thoJ): When I was making this video, I pitched down Royce's voice just a bit for sexiness. When I showed Jen, she asked if I could pitch it way UP. The result is, if possible, even more hysterical.
Sometimes cake shopping is like being stuck in a Fractured Fairy Tale.
Like Snow White, you set out hoping for something "charming," but in the light of day you find yourself stuck with the second string dwarves.
There's Creepy:
Made by the incredibly talented Sarah Jones "I dare you to cut me."
Queasy:
"I can't believe I ate ITS WHOLE WING."
Crazy:
"WOOLOOLOOOLALALAAAAAAAA!!"
Drippy:
(Queasy's second cousin)
Hairy:
She's planning on using your birthday candles for a waxing later.
Horny:
"Because I have horns, you see. And I'm really Randy.
"(It's short for Randolph. Horny is my ... [sunglasses] ... MIDDLE NAME.)"
And of course, that old favorite:
.doc
Thanks to Stacey, Kimberly C., Carly G., Rachel K., Anony M., Bob B., & Jessica C., who know a picture is worth a thousand words - or in this case, one printable image file.
*****
I will make up for that with not one, but TWO cute unicorn mugs:
Hello and thank you for visiting Cake Wrecks, where all of your hopes for humanity are dashed on a daily basis. Sadly, we are unable to meet your humor requirements today due to:
__ Travel __ Zombie Apocalypse __ A pack of wild rodents gnawing off our extremities __ All of the above X Nap time
Instead, please take this opportunity to entertain yourself by:
- Correcting this cake:
- Guessing what this is supposed to be:
- Brainstorming at least three (3) suitable puns for this:
Always Butterflies: Now with wings!
- Writing a short story to explain this scene:
Suggested title: Revenge of the lobsters
- Leaving a colorful message after the beep.
*beep*
Thanks to Gin M., Lori R., Elaine K., and Anne M. for continuing to hold.
******
P.S. Hey fellow book lovers, I just found what may be the prettiest bookmark EVER, check this out:
It's like jewelry for your book! You can choose from gold or silver - or get both, because they're on sale this week for less than $10 each! I won't judge.
Cute story: Noemi and her friends first brought out a decoy wreck to prank the birthday girl. Ha! So, Amy ended up with a wreck AND a Sweet? Dude, that's MY kind of prank!
It's not often that I praise the use of an airbrush on cake, you guys, so brace yourselves:
Now THAT is some awesome airbrushing. There, I said it. It didn't even hurt! (Much.) And I love how the parents' names are listed as the authors! (Did I mention this is a baby shower cake? No? Oops. Um...This is a baby shower cake.)
What's that? You want a jaw-dropping mini diorama of perfectly iced cookies to go with that cake?
Well, gee, you don't ask for much, do you? [<--SARCASM]
Luckily I happen to have a little something here that fits the bill:
Wow, these guys break EVERYTHING - including the laws of gravity. [bah-dum-CHA!]
Let's take a closer look:
D'awwww, so sweet! And I'll never get tired of that Seussian line shading, like on the ladder and bow. It just makes the leap from 2D to 3D so beautifully.
Ever wonder what flavor of cake you'd use for green eggs and ham?
I have. I'm thinking pear cake with cinnamon buttercream - but only because Noemi up there mentioned that's what her Lorax cake was, and now I reeeeally want to try it. I'd also like to take a huge chomp out of that fork handle, because it looks like a giant Tootsie Roll. And maybe I'm a little hungry. (WHAT.)
Hang on, we haven't actually seen The Cat in the Hat yet, have we?
More perfect cookies!Lemmetell you guys, I could stare at cookies like this all day. The pillowy poofiness of that icing is just sooo cool - and I kind of want to pet it. Is that weird? Yes? Then I mean, uh, I want to LICK it. There. All better.
I was about to confess that I haven't seen or read The Lorax, but I think I can bluff my way through this next one Ok. Here goes...
Topsy-turvy cakes were just MADE for Seuss themes. Also, "Fondant Flinger" is the name of my Cake cover band. (BWAHAHAAHA!!)(That was only funny to me, wasn't it?)
Well, let's wrap up this delightful romp with a Sweet combination of all of Dr. Seuss' most popular creations:
Do unnecessary quotation marks make your eye twitch?
Have you ever left a comment on a friend's Facebook status explaining why it's "couldn't care less," not "could care less?"
Do you fix the spelling mistakes in other people's tweets before retweeting them?
Are you required by forces beyond your control to whip out a pen and correct misspelled store signage?
Must...cross out...apostrophe...
(And then...fix...capitals...)
(And then...add...exclamation marks...)
And finally, do you not only know what the Oxford comma is, but have a passionate stance on its usage?
If the answer to any of those is yes then you, my friend, are a fellow grammar geek. And today is our day. That's right; it's National Grammar Day! WAHOO!
Finally - FINALLY - we can pick apart spelling and grammar errors without fear of judgment from the text-speak-writing language butchers who keep"loosing" their minds! Today we are NOT the nit-picking jerks of the comment section; today we are HEROES. HEROES, I SAY!!
AHAHAHAHAAA!!
So let's get right to it:
Ah, yes. [pushing up glasses] You see, "whose" is an interrogative possessive pronoun, while "who's" is the contraction for "who is." In this context, someone is apparently asking for the identity of the owner of something euphemistically known as "40."
Haha! Isn't that a SCREAM?!
I honestly don't know why I'm not invited to more parties, you guys.
Maybe I should have started with something a little more common, though:
Now, see, there's an easy way to avoid this situation in the future:
Condoms.
And remember, it's "I before E except after C and when you're trying to write the word 'having.'"
Also those little dots are called an ellipsis, and there should only be three of them.
YES I REALLY AM THAT PERSON.
Not to mention the way that's written makes it look like someone is "haveing" a weird scrolly symbol. (Maybe the artist formerly known as Prince invented a new species?)
Hey, do you guys watch Sherlock?
What am I saying? You read this blog and therefore have EXCELLENT taste in entertainment, so of course you watch Sherlock.
Anyway, remember the beginning of that episode where Holmes is interviewing a murderer, and he keeps correcting the thug's grammar?
That was awesome.
Now where was I?
Ah yes, the importance of punctuation and discerning between "will" and "we'll."
It also appears this person isn't entirely certain that Dee Dee will miss me, which is hard to believe. I mean, in case you haven't noticed, I AM DELIGHTFUL.
And finally, allow me to share a quick word on foreign punctuation marks:
Gesundheit.
Thanks to Mary F., Mab R., Catherine B., David S., Bella P., Todd, and Zoë P., who have always known I'm a pro-Oxford-comma kinda gal.
*****
P.S. I found you some cute pens for correcting random signage in the break room. (I know that's oddly specific, but I stand by it, because I know you people.)
Sometimes when I'm bemoaning the fact that most cakes today are just plastic flotsam delivery vehicles...
Here's your cake, enjoy! Just don't try to eat that thing. Or that one. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that.
...Or that.
...I remember there's a REASON bakers rely so heavily on flotsam and toys:
Nemo? More like Ne-NO, am I right?
[Ba-dum-CHA!]
I... I think this is supposed to be Spider-Man:
Hold me.
Now, see, this would have been perfect if the customer had actually ASKED for a zombie-fied Spongebob:
As it is, I'm pretty sure little Levi needs therapy now.
This Darth Vader cookie is so ridiculously pathetic that I actually kind of love it:
(At least, I hope it's Vader. If not, then I'm never getting those thirty seconds of squinting back. Never EVER, you guys.)
Seriously, it's so bad I want to hug it.
And I like how the baker just gave up on the other cookie cakes, like she was all, "YOU GET VADER OR YOU GET NOTHING."
And finally, let's end with a little mystery:
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?
Please, you guys, I have to know.
It says "Where Kermet," so of course my first thought was Kermit the Frog. But it's blonde and has four eyes with a giant red clown nose. Or is the red thing its mouth? And why "Where Kermet?" Where Kermet what? Where he stores his wigs? Where he met his untimely demise?
I went back to Holly J.'s original e-mail, seeking answers, and was delighted to find she'd included a few more angles of the mystery:
....
Well, THAT clears things ups, doesn't it? 0.o
Hang on. Holly says she thinks this is... MISS PIGGY!? Really? I mean, I guess she must be right, but... How. HOW. How is this possible?
I will not rest until I have answers!
Or until I get tired. Or John gets back with our burritos.
But otherwise, TOTALLY NOT RESTING.
Thanks to Sabrina, Kristen O., Sean K., Patrice D., Tori S., & Holly J. for pointing out today's character flaws. We know it's only because you care, guys.
This one has the word "spiffing" in the title AND comes with a lovely green-and-gold cover, so folks will recognize your sophisticated taste while begging you to stop telling these terrible, TERRIBLE jokes.
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