Thursday's appointment was one that I knew was going to stir up trauma. The doctor ended up listing that aspect of it as PTSD, which I guess is fair. I always have thought of it as "trauma" rather than PTSD, which is kind of odd in retrospect.
I wound up taking a small dose of my "street cred" when I realized I was starting to have a trauma response. That turned out to be a good idea. There's a follow up in a few months, and I should pre-medicate for it.
Afterwards I got the 32 oz reverse mocha from a local coffee shack. (Not one of the bikini coffee shacks.) With chocolate whipped cream, thank you very much. My first time encountering white coffee espresso in a drink. Interesting and almost floral. I had Belovedest (a bitter supertaster) try it. Still coffee tasting, but not as strongly.
Although that's also possibly due to me only having 3 shots of espresso in the drink instead of the usual 6.
I would much rather discuss the coffee than the source of the trauma and the appointment, in any event.
John, sweetie, I just want you to know that I think you are all the way beautiful. Not just handsome, but smart, and kind-hearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you...
...again.
And maybe we'd have a couple of chubby, freckle-faced kids:
And we'd laugh ALL DAY LONG.
...and go camping, play Yahtzee, and tell ghost stories by the fire.
And every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God... that I was the appropriate maturity level for you.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt.
I think you're very special.
And most of all, I wish you love, and I wish you contentment, and I wish you would put some pants on while I'm talking to you.
That's all.
“Eye”
“Heart”
“Ewe”
Thanks to Kate B., Judi G., Camille B., Aria P., Reba S., Jennifer L., Adrienne, and Jamie B. for helping me get that out there.
I know it can be scary asking a bakery to do something custom, like, say, a school or brand's logo. But DON'T PANIC; I'm here to walk you through it.
First, print out a nice, clear image to bring in as a reference:
With something as simple as this Chanel logo, you can be sure there is simply NO WAY...
...that the results won't be hysterical.
When ordering a Saints logo...
...it helps to have the patience of one.
Oh, and when you give the baker your reference image, be sure to mention how closely you want your cake to match; some bakers take it more as a "guideline" than an actual rule.
"Why'd you use the S?!" "Because I don't know what the F is going on!"
Still, the most important thing, my friends... is to be glad you aren't ordering a Texas Longhorns cake.
Because seriously, that thing is the Kobayashi Maru of cake orders:
...you can't win.
(But hey, at least this one's got heart!)
Thanks to Amy B., Ashley B., Candace F., Amy B., Allison, & Chris L. for getting that last one off his chest.
For Chocolate Day we decided to illustrate a beloved children's classic.
I highly recommend hitting play and reading along:
(Note: Mild language at the very end. Also, it’s a Morgan Freeman impersonator.)
Everyone Poops
An elephant makes a big poop.
A mouse makes a tiny poop.
A one hump camel makes a one hump poop.
A two hump camel makes a two hump poop.
Hahaha, only kidding.
Fish poop...
...and so do birds.
And bugs, too.
Different animals make different kinds of poop.
Different shapes, different colors, even different smells.
Which end is the snake's behind?
What does whale poop look like?
Some stop to poop, others do it on the move.
Some poop here or there. Others do it in a special place.
Grownups poop. Children poop, too. While some children poop on the potty, others poop in their diapers.
Some animals poop and pay no attention. Others clean up after themselves. These poop by the water:
This one does it in the water. He wipes himself with paper then flushes it down.
All living things eat, so everyone poops.
Thanks to Stephanie M., Beth W., Lisa R., Dede H., Robin, Robin E., Anony M., Anna O., Anthony S., Wendi P., Anita C., Cassandra M., Christie D., & John W. for our crappiest post yet.
(Can you believe none of those were supposed to look like poop? Except maybe the rainbow swirly one - which I'm guessing is unicorn poop, and therefore gets a free pass.)
(SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
*****
P.S. In case your life was missing a set of cat butt magnets, I found you some:
* 3 appointments tomorrow, all remote (for later today versions of "tomorrow", because I rarely get to sleep before midnight) * 2 appointments Wednesday * Only one appointment Thursday, but it looks like a doozy * The morning primary care adjacent appointment on Wednesday got scheduled today (Monday) by using the magic combination of phrases "my oncologist said" and "new lump" * (it's probably a ganglion cyst, since I have a history of those going back to the 1980s)
And then I managed to drive myself to Pained Noises & a complete lack of energy today by: * ( Read more... )
What do you get when you go into a Mexican bakery, where they speak English, and ask them - in Spanish - to write "Happy Birthday" in English?
I mean, besides confused.
You get this:
Which, if I remember my 1st grade Spanish, means "The Happy Complaining Eagles."
Wait.
I took French.
[Googling]
Ah. "Happy Birthday English!" I guess that does make more sense.
Or...
What do you get when you go into a Chinese bakery and ask them to write "Congratulations Ian!" in both English and Chinese?
You get some reeeally enthusiastic “Englrsh chunese”, that's what.
Hey, I'm actually starting to feel a bit better about U.S. bakeries! Maybe we're not the only wreckerators out there. Maybe there are places even worse off in the wreckage department!
Never mind. Feeling's gone.
Thanks to our wrecky ambassadors Chris L., Mary S., and Kendra P. for fostering international unity. In wrecks.
*****
P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as confusing as these cakes:
These little ninjas are EVERYWHERE. In fact, there's probably one behind you. You just can't see him, because he's a ninja. And also probably really small.
Then there are the LEGO video games, which have taught us that every beloved movie character is at least 43% cuter when LEGO-fied:
That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is Cheesecake Wreck Day.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"
Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:
[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"
Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.
So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?
BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!
Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.
I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!
What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?
Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:
Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.
Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:
The question is, can you tell which layer is which?
Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!
*****
P.S. If you also enjoy cheesy puns, then BRIE-HOLD!
I'd feel like a heel if I didn't unleash a pack of thanks on Heather W., Nicole O., Erin R.., Catherine S., Sara S., Lysa R., & Thomas R. for taking pictures rather than going barking mad.
[very polite Englishman] "Yes, I'd like to order a baby shower cake, if I might. Something perhaps a bit creepy. Not fond of the mother, you see."
[very polite English salesman] "Yes, of course, of course... Might I suggest our Face of Birth cake?"
"Hm, yes, it is quite creepy, but I was thinking something a bit more, if that's not too much trouble?"
"Not at all, sir. Perhaps this will be more to your liking?"
"Oh, that is unsettling... but could we remove the body?"
"Say no more. I've just the thing:"
"Yes, yes, I can see how that might send a bit of a shiver. Could we maybe bury the baby IN the cake, though? Perhaps add a crustacean?"
"Ahh, the old 'crustacean on half a newborn!' That's my specialty, sir, and it's quite creepy - if I do say so myself."
"You know, I truly appreciate your effort, my good man, but I think we've missed the mark. I tell you what: just make something vaguely baby shaped and slap it on the ugliest cake you can find. Think we could do that?"
"Of course, sir, and may I compliment you on your excellent sense of humor? I shall have it post haste."
Thanks to Britani, Valentina V., Alexia O., Alison P., & Zahirah for the ruddy good time.
*****
P.S. If the parents were born in the 90s, bring this to the baby shower, too:
You've got to hand it to a baker who can knuckle down and bring a touch of class to a "Finger Football" cake:
Offhand I'd say they nailed the look with some sort of digital manipulations, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Oh, and I heard there used to be a few more fingers on the cake board, but you can never put too much faith in second hand rumors.
Hey, Elizabeth M., slap me two!
*****
P.S. Omigosh. MINIONS. Amazon just presented me with the greatest robe hooksof all time. Here, let me give you a few pointers:
Eh? EH? Of course then I realized these are actually "practice fingers" for manicurists, not robe hooks. Hmph.
Whatever. Slap a command strip on these bad boys and you can still achieve peak Addams Family aesthetic. I'm thinking purse hooks in the entry way, or - OR - cabinet knobs on the bathroom vanity? Ooooh. You can even paint the nails to match your decor! It's brilliant, I tell you, BRILLIANT.
Even if you don't need another recipe book, I highly recommend browsing the Table of Contents for gems like "Poutine On The Ritz," "The Sound and the Curry," and "Texas Chainsaw Masa Curd." Hilarious. ******
Today we're spotlighting wedding cakes with a modern twist. Unusual shapes, clean lines, bold colors - these aren't your grandmothers' wedding cakes. (Unless your grandma was really, really cool.)
Let's start with what I first thought was a stack of brilliant dishware:
Beauuutiful. And I was delighted when I realized this is by the baker who made our very first cake at our very first book tour stop here in Orlando. (Love ya, Johnnie!)
We've seen our fair share of peacock wedding cakes, but here's a more modern twist on all that beautiful plumage:
I have the kind of insomnia old-timey bards would write songs about, so I listen to boring audio books on these every night to keep my brain from spinning out of control. Lately I've been wearing them like a sleep mask - like the model here - and WOW, that's helped even more than when I wore them like a headband! These things have been a life saver: comfy enough for side sleeping, not too loud like some of my old speakers, and they only cost $20.
Note that they do run on the big side, but that works out great if you have a big head like me. :D