"And four times means there's some kind of voodoo curse involved."
Jennifer N., Amber D., Tara A., & Brynna R., you guys get the rooster tears, and I'll fetch a bucket of sprinkles. Meet back here at oh threeth hundred.
I remember the first time I told my Mom the publisher wanted me to go on a book tour for Cake Wrecks. She responded by telling me about an author she'd seen at a big warehouse store the previous weekend, sitting alone behind a card table and looking desperate.
"I just don't want that for you," she said.
...
Motherly concern aside, you could say my mom has a real gift for encouragement.
Kind of like these people:
"Oh, and happy engagement. I guess."
This is your moment. Enjoy it.
Q: What do you get the birthday girl who's allergic to birthday cake?
A: A birthday cake with an apology. ("More cake for us! Woot!")
As we get older, we look for signs from our loved ones that age is really just a number, it's about staying young at heart, etc, etc.
"Well, sure, NOW I am."
And there's nothing quite so encouraging as ill-concealed shock at your personal accomplishments:
"We had you guys pegged at two years, tops. Wow!"
And finally:
"Note that we haven't expressed any sadness over this fact, or stated whether Kyle is happy regarding his imminent departure. However, the fact that we're having cake would seem to indicate a celebration of Kyle's coming absence."
"Wow, you got all that from four words?!"
"No, I'm reading the card."
Thanks to Edmund H., Rachael G., Kim K., Sarah C., G.D., & Kyle C. for the encouraging words.
*****
Oh hey, this seems like a good time to remind you this exists:
Bakers, contrary to popular belief, those curved thingies are not sideways "happy hugs" for your text; they're parentheses. But I'll make this easy for you: YOU WILL NEVER NEED PARENTHESES ON YOUR CAKES. So don't use them. Ever.
No, not even for a name in all caps.
And not for anniversaries, either.
Gosh. I bet "Mom" is really feeling like part of the family right now.
Which brings me to my next point:
STOP IT WITH THE QUOTATION MARKS ALREADY.
Why are these numbers in quotes? Are they euphemisms or something? Are these people not really 13 and 59? And why does this keep happening, anyway?
Oh.
Thanks to Monica, Debb D., Tamara M., Alyssa V., Amy C., Rachel C., and Aurora C. for helping me cover parentheses and quotation marks. Tomorrow: COLONS! (You'll have to check back to see which kind.)
*****
P.S. And here's the official t-shirt of National Punctuation Day:
The worst part of colonoscopy prep turned out to be the sheer number of trips to the bathroom, which knotted up my legs something fierce. The second worst part was the taste of the solution, even with added flavorings. It was salty! (I got the huge jug rather than the Miralax version. Miralax at least isn't salty.) Next time, probably either green unsweetened Kool-Aid or lemonade Crystal Lite or whatever.
I did make the planned gallon of orange jello, but since it was a little late for me to actually eat it, I put mandarin orange slices in it. Since that's often part of Belovedest's lunch. Today I packed it into smaller boxes to help with that effort and to decrease the crowding in the fridge.
I got a slight nap after everything was about finished. The split prep schedule meant that I started the second half around 12:30 am. Appointment check in time 6 am.
The distance in the facility wasn't super bad, although we brought my chair just in case. (Speaking of the chair, I have decked it out with retroreflective tape and electroluminescent wire. It looks much safer. The cup holder went on Friday.)
I got dressed again. I had picked a cute nightgown for the outing, black with flowers and butterflies. Instead of a coat (it's getting chilly at night) I wore my dramatic black velvet robe, the one with lace trim and bell sleeves. I received a compliment. And as soon as I proved I could stand up without excessive wobbling, we were off.
Belovedest gathered breakfast for me on our way home, and I took a much needed nap (interrupted a few times to confirm that I could be made conscious and accept hydration).
And that was that.
We did our usual Friday shopping on Saturday. I was still sore. Today my legs are thankfully feeling normal.
Bakers, do you worry that you, too, might be a wreckerator?
Well, have no fear, pastry pros! There are plenty of warning signs to look for:
You Might Be A Wreckerator If....
- ...you consider "happy" a four-letter word.
- ...your cakes have more plastic on them than frosting.
- ...when you say, "I could just eat you up!" to a baby, you really mean it.
"It's...looking at me." "Ugly little spud, isn't it?" "I think it can hear you, Ray."
- ...cupcake cakes are your "specialty."
- ...your family crest says, "Spell check is for loosers."
- ...you not only know what this is, you think it's well done:
- ...you're frequently asked what time the earthquake hit.
- ...you pride yourself on following customer requests to the letter:
And finally, you might be a wreckerator if...
...you have to ban photography in your bakery to stop your cakes from showing up on Cake Wrecks.
(I get the e-mails, folks; I know you're out there!)
Thanks to Kimber, Amy S., Lori M., Carrie M., Whitney, Mary Rose, Liz, Stephanie B., Lisa R., & JR, who think it'd make more sense to just hire better bakers, but that's why they're not "good" management material.
Yesterday we learned that writing names on cake can result in some pretty unfortunate nicknames.
But what if you already have an adorable nickname? Like "Briana Banana?" How do you wreck that up?
Well, in that case, I suppose the baker could always misspell it.
But that's kind of boring, right? So, let's see... what if - hypothetically - the baker misspelled "banana", but then also, instead of drawing a banana on the cake, she tossed a real, unpeeled banana on top?
No, wait - first she should shrink-wrap the banana and draw a smiley face on it with a Sharpie. Eh? And then tie a bunch of curly ribbon around the banana stem. Totally.
And then - THEN - just because all of that makes way too much sense, the baker could sprinkle something really ridiculous all around the shrink wrapped smiley-face banana with curly ribbon tied on its stem. Something like...I dunno...little tiny dog bones.
Yeah. That would be one AWESOME wreck. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
On the other hand, I wasn't thinking with some of the usual parts of my sense of humor when I was picking out my non-red jello for Liquid Diet Day (24 oz food service pack) and rolled the wrong citrus out of three: orange.
Goodbye to bad rubbish BJ, who could make simple things like Madonna being active in the music industry longer than most people of our generation being aware of, plus she didn't look in her early 40s at the time, into some kind of sinister conspiracy theory situation.
You were an absolute jackass, and I honestly don't care if you're alive or not except that I might need to avoid you.
Thanks to Votania and Darkside, who helped me realize what a bad friend BJ was, never mind as a prospective life partner and spouse. Bleck.
This random thought brought to me by the death of Charles Entertainment Kirk, which would probably have been making BJ's circles flail in panic, and hearing a Madonna song on the Doof. (A back episode, we didn't have a SunDoof that I'm aware of.)
OK, so... we've known each other for a long time now, right? And um, I just think, I mean, I really think that we're ready to, you know, take that next step together, you and me, so... I was wondering, if you would do me the honor of...
It appears that this birthday girl is turning 30 and likes cupcakes and presents. (Hey, so do I!) I hope she didn't think the bracelet was a present too, because it's 100% eat-able.
Do the cogs of your steampunk-loving-heart whir mechanically in a beating fashion for this pocket-watch?
The interior is actually set in gelatin to resemble resin. So cool. Not to mention setting the bar very high for the typical "Jello cake," which consists of poking holes in a cake and pouring Jello mix inside.
Next up is this lovely triple-strand pearl necklace cake. (I'm betting the stand is cake too, otherwise that would make for a very, very small cake).
Pearl trivia alert: Did you know it's bad luck to be given a pearl? If it's a gift, you should buy it from the giver, even if you just give them a dime in return. Not sure if pearl cakes fall into this category, so just give it to me and I'll bravely test the theory out.
But seriously, I just don't know about this 'decorating with jewelry' trend, because if I came to a party where the cake was dripping with matching necklaces, I would get all excited and think it was some kind of cool party favor display.
I didn't even know you could buy fructose. What does it look like? Does it come in a bag? I probably would have just attempted to microwave Jolly Ranchers or something, which is why I am not a professional cake-maker. (However, I do make a mean Jello cake.)
And speaking of emeralds, this cake features so many it could be the Wizard of Oz's wedding cake. If he like, really liked earrings, or something.
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cakewrecks_feed Sep. 26th, 2025 01:00 pm)
