nullalux: (Mechanism)
( Sep. 13th, 2004 11:22 pm)
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

Can one be sure of another without losing part of the self when that other is gone? I used to feel that a strong sense of self and sufficient self-esteem would protect me from feeling less than whole if I were ever faced with separation from a loved one. But then, gradually, boundaries seemed more and more contrived, the possibility of separation more and more unlikely, and edges became blurred, not worn down by abrasion or time, but simply rusty from disuse.

It is difficult now to parse myself out of what remains. I once had the energy to author myself, a process at once of discovery and creation. But I have precious little creativity these days, and discoveries are not always pleasing. How ironic to send someone away, and then to find that, in a sense, I've gone as well! Perhaps I thought that we would never really be truly without each other, that we, although no longer labeled "together," would still lend to each other our selves (if such a thing can be done), since they complement each other so well.

I was a child when I met him. I am not one now. I don't remember what has happened in between. I know I am not less of a person because I am no longer reflected in his eyes. This, however, does not tell me whither or how to proceed.
nullalux: (Athene)
( Sep. 5th, 2004 12:12 pm)
Why, oh why, must Spencer hop in the shower with me? Cats are not supposed to like water, are they? Madi likes to survey the tub after someone has showered, but Spence gets right in, under the spray and everything. Oimoi.

[ profile] tutordennis and I saw Hero last night. I really enjoyed it, although I anticipate that lots of right-wing pro-war comparisons are being made between Bush and the Emperor of the Qin dynasty. Rather unfortunate timing. At first, I wasn't sure about the very strong color schemes used in the film, but then I decided that it's brilliant. As a long-time fan of Fong Sai-Yuk and old kung fu movies, it was fabulous to see Jet Li doing something other than the American movies he's been making here (which have without fail disappointed me). Speaking of disappointments, we saw the movie at Oakridge Mall. Walking past Hot Topic is always bizarre; as Dennis puts it, it's jarring to see "the commercialization of our childhoods" capsulized in a chain store. You may be able to market black jelly bracelets, Dickies, Manic Panic hair dye and Wet 'n Wild lipstick #508 to today's disaffected youth, but you can't sell punk rock, damn it. Yeah, we're old skool.

I've had a lovely feeling of well-being this past week or so. Perhaps it's due to school starting again. I'm not sure, but I'm enjoying it. I'm still a little sad about the past year, and all the changes and challenges we've been through. I don't object to change per se, but it's very difficult to revamp your both your daily life and your long-term plans without facing some disturbing questions regarding the nature of the self. When B and I decided that— despite our deep love and affection for each other—we could not be lifepartners, it was honestly done with each other's best interests in mind. I truly thought that we would continue to be there for each other, as real friends, perhaps even as sometime lovers. After nine years of happiness together, I thought it couldn't be otherwise. But after a brief period of 'weaning' (for lack of a better term), he forged such distance between us that my head still reels to think of it. Now I don't know who he is.

But I miss him. The 'him' I knew, the one that loved me and held my love dear, the one whose strengths and whose very weaknesses I adored. The one who said I'd better hurry up and finish school so that we could adopt chinky babies together. The person whose family adopted me as their own, the one I held when disease incited his body to mutiny (we were so frightened we'd be parted by his early death), and the one who booby-trapped my suitcases with stuffed monkeys when I went to conferences. That's how my heart works, and eight months later, I still don't know how to undo it. I'm grateful for my recent sense of well-being, but I'm confused that it hasn't lessened this other ache.
nullalux: (Rabbit)


( Aug. 16th, 2004 04:28 pm)
Our bunny Sam died this morning. He has had chronic health issues, and neurological damage in one of his legs. [ profile] tutordennis, [ profile] threetimes and I know it was the best decision for Sam, but it's so hard to say goodbye.

I called B to tell him. "Thank you. Goodbye." *click* Why is he doing this? Does it make him feel better to have become such a monster? I know I hurt him, but Sam certainly didn't. And whatever B's convinced himself about me, does that obviate the fact that he and I spent a third of our lives together happily?

I don't understand. I don't understand at all.
nullalux: (Story)
( Aug. 12th, 2004 11:52 am)
Well, it's my last day of nannying this summer. On Monday, I start the professional development seminar (i.e. scripted program brainwashing), coursework at NHU, and getting my classroom set up for the year. I love teaching, but I so can't wait to go back to school. Not credentialing classes, but real school. I'm not cut out for life beyond the academy yet. I've been translating Homer and Catullus in my spare time, just so this phase of my life doesn't feel like a complete placeholder. Not that serving AmeriCorps has been less than fruitful; quite the contrary. Academia may be a crutch, but it's one for which I'll forgive myself.

Lunch date with [ profile] threetimes tomorrow, then getting the house shipshape for the landlady's walk-through. ("Rabbits? What eight rabbits?") I still want to drive up to visit my mom and sisters before school descends, but Geo has a project going at work which will make or break a permanent contract with Stretch and thus precludes out-of-town trips. Perhaps [ profile] tutordennis and I will make the visit, and leave critter duty to Geo.

Missing B is like the ache before teeth emerge, the ache which rises up hard in the mouth of infants, who don't know where they end and their mother begins. Although his ghost is always in the corner of my vision, I seem to be pulling out of my recent depression and finding my voice without the symbiotic connection with B. Relationships shouldn't limit growth of the self, but they often do. I have this opportunity to create myself anew, and I'm gradually gaining back the impetus and energy to do so.
nullalux: (Story)
( Jul. 24th, 2004 09:50 pm)
"It is the chiefest point of happiness that a man is willing to be what he is."

You are Desiderius Erasmus!

You have great love for others and will do just about anything to show it to them. You are tolerant and avoid confrontations, so people generally are drawn to you. You are pretty popular because you let people have their way, even when you have things figured out better than them. You are more quiet and reserved in front of strangers, but around some people you open up. Unfortunately you often get things like "what a pansy," or "you're such a liberal."

What theologian are you?
A creation of Henderson

Woo hoo! D now has his own LJ as [ profile] tutordennis. Apparently, the narcissism is contagious.

We went fridge-shopping today, and purchased a lovely bisque 22 CF icemaker-enabled Kenmore with a bottom-freezer (id est, a freezer on the bottom, not one with buttock-chilling amenities). B is coming next weekend to pick up our fridge and the dining set to which he has (quite reasonably, I suppose) laid claim. I wish we were friends; I don't really understand why it has to be this way. I keep wanting to tell him stuff, or share this and that, and the realization that I cannot is like having a phantom limb.

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator

I forgot how much fun [ profile] threetimes and I can have together. I've been so wrapped up in the loss of B and the subsequent loss of myself that I've spent a lot of time trying to prove any other configuration unworkable. I thought I'd circumvented any lingering resentment I had away from my loved ones, but apparently it remained below the surface, deleterious and Hermann Hesse-like. I never forgot that I loved him, but I forgot about our powerful connection, the living and dynamic emilyandgeo that we need in order to thrive. It was static; we synthesized it, but had ceased to cultivate it. But now, when our eyes meet, I feel a flash of recognition--I see myself, I see us, and I love what I see. I love you, boo. I've missed us.


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