A Secret History

From phthoggos via AQUEOUS POPE:


The Count's Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

It started with a simple affection for counting and
the terror it induced in others, didn't it?
But now it's turned into a full-blown
life-consuming chaotic nightmare of order,
repetition, zealousness, and perfectionism.
You used to be so grand, but now you find
yourself obsessively worrying over the littlest
things--like, maybe if you don't check the
light switch at least once every two minutes,
the electricity will go out (and damnit, you're
a vampire--that shouldn't be a problem!), or
maybe if you don't wash your hands until your
seams are coming out, you'll get some fatal
disease. Get yourself some treatment.

Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
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♫ Vun two tree, vun two tree...batty, batty, batty, batty, bat, bat-bat!♬ Vun, vunderful bat! Ah hahaha! ♪

Why, oh why, must Spencer hop in the shower with me? Cats are not supposed to like water, are they? Madi likes to survey the tub after someone has showered, but Spence gets right in, under the spray and everything. Oimoi.

tutordennis and I saw Hero last night. I really enjoyed it, although I anticipate that lots of right-wing pro-war comparisons are being made between Bush and the Emperor of the Qin dynasty. Rather unfortunate timing. At first, I wasn't sure about the very strong color schemes used in the film, but then I decided that it's brilliant. As a long-time fan of Fong Sai-Yuk and old kung fu movies, it was fabulous to see Jet Li doing something other than the American movies he's been making here (which have without fail disappointed me). Speaking of disappointments, we saw the movie at Oakridge Mall. Walking past Hot Topic is always bizarre; as Dennis puts it, it's jarring to see "the commercialization of our childhoods" capsulized in a chain store. You may be able to market black jelly bracelets, Dickies, Manic Panic hair dye and Wet 'n Wild lipstick #508 to today's disaffected youth, but you can't sell punk rock, damn it. Yeah, we're old skool.

I've had a lovely feeling of well-being this past week or so. Perhaps it's due to school starting again. I'm not sure, but I'm enjoying it. I'm still a little sad about the past year, and all the changes and challenges we've been through. I don't object to change per se, but it's very difficult to revamp your both your daily life and your long-term plans without facing some disturbing questions regarding the nature of the self. When B and I decided that— despite our deep love and affection for each other—we could not be lifepartners, it was honestly done with each other's best interests in mind. I truly thought that we would continue to be there for each other, as real friends, perhaps even as sometime lovers. After nine years of happiness together, I thought it couldn't be otherwise. But after a brief period of 'weaning' (for lack of a better term), he forged such distance between us that my head still reels to think of it. Now I don't know who he is.

But I miss him. The 'him' I knew, the one that loved me and held my love dear, the one whose strengths and whose very weaknesses I adored. The one who said I'd better hurry up and finish school so that we could adopt chinky babies together. The person whose family adopted me as their own, the one I held when disease incited his body to mutiny (we were so frightened we'd be parted by his early death), and the one who booby-trapped my suitcases with stuffed monkeys when I went to conferences. That's how my heart works, and eight months later, I still don't know how to undo it. I'm grateful for my recent sense of well-being, but I'm confused that it hasn't lessened this other ache.

I have six five four three two one zero Gmail account[s] available. Email me separately at nullalux@gmail.com if you'd like one.

Why would you want one? 1,000 megabytes of storage (Yay, archives—never delete again!), nice automatic "conversation" email grouping (basically threads), sophisticated email searches, no pop-ups or banner ads, and all the cool kids have one. Read more directly from the horse's mouth.

[Edit: I will no doubt get more invitations, so feel free to drop me a line and I'll queue you up.]

Hee hee. I got to teach a bunch of education grad students the IPA. I think it would have been easier for them if I'd just replaced the phonetic alphabet with random symbols (rather than using a system that is based largely on the Roman alphabet, with seemingly bizarre glyphs sprinkled in). It was difficult for them to grasp the idea that we were focusing on sounds, not letters. The consonants were tough enough; I left the vowel-beast for another day.

It looks like I won't get to show Cold Comfort Farm to threetimes until this weekend, and he's working SiliCon Thursday through Monday. At least I'll have a three-day weekend; perhaps I'll finally get some sorely-needed filing done.

( Relationship Meme )

So what does "tend to work out your frustrations in the bedroom" mean? And points if you guess my "odd, ritualized vice."

If I don't go to bed right now, I'm going to wake up at 5A with my laptop keyboard imprinted upon my cheek. There's been a dearth of actual repose of late.

From curieuse: ( Three Things Meme )

We enjoyed seeing Forbidden Zone last night at the Lumiere in the City. We went with davebydesign, and we met rosefox, sinboy, and others at the theatre; it was nice to see them all. Richard Elfman spoke afterwards, and tutordennis won a signed poster. For Rose's explanation summary notes on the film, click here.

threetimes, tutordennis and I spent some quality time tonight at Bookbuyers, after dining well at Garden Fresh. Tonight's bookstore findings: How Are We to Live? (Peter Singer, signed copy!), Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life (S. Bok), The Gashlycrumb Tinies (Edward Gorey), The Luther Bible of 1534, Illuminations from the British Library, some Dr. Science texts, The Mosaic Idea Book (R. Wates), Huggermugger (the word game), and lots of gorgeous decoupage fodder, including Erotica in Renaissance Art. Can't wait! I have to find a good craft store in the area to stock up on supplies.

And now we've all retired for an evening of debauchery. Well, not quite. We stopped at the Quik Mart (Oh the horror! Madness!) for a forty of OE (Dennis), Boone's Melon Ball (myself), and a forty of MGD (No, Geo, no! Don't do it!). All of which, of course, are being drunk properly out of paper bags.

Well, on Saturday, I made nummy portabello sandwiches for dinner, with which we enjoyed a nine-year old bottle of the raspberry-peach mead that Dennis, B, and I brewed together and just recently rediscovered in the garage. We then watched the first few eps of The Tick. Even in the live-action version, there are enough tropes to keep me amused.

Class prep began this week, and I just met my students today. Such shining faces. It almost makes up for the insanity of getting my classroom together. The instructor that used my room over the summer pretty much leveled everything, and left a lovely mess besides. I feel as though I've caught a bad case of anvils (i.e. falling from the sky). NB: tutordennis has gone above and beyond the call of duty, sifting tirelessly through the chaos with me. Well, that might be hyperbole; there's been weariness aplenty.

You're The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe!
by C.S. Lewis
You were just looking for some decent clothes when everything changed quite dramatically. For the better or for the worse, it is still hard to tell. Now it seems like winter will never end and you feel cursed. Soon there will be an epic struggle between two forces in your life and you are very concerned about a betrayal that could turn the balance. If this makes it sound like you're re-enacting Christian theological events, that may or may not be coincidence. When in doubt, put your trust in talking animals.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Okay, this is just creepy. I would never have chosen the Chronicles of Narnia to represent myself right now, but I think this meme just hit the sharpest tool on the head (not to mix metaphors). Oh well, it's not rocket surgery.

The new lantana in the back is doing well; I now have white, yellow and purple. The morning glory vine has really taken off, and we're getting lovely big purplish-blue blossoms. In the front, we put in a couple salvia plants that I just love. The next project, I think, will be some verbena in the plot under the bunny room window in back.

I just received the latest Bust mag, and tutordennis should be back with coffee and delectable pastries any minute, so I'm off to go perpetrate some evil on these Champion City people.

I'm spending today alone, which is quite a rarity. tutordennis is in Sac for a few days, and threetimes is out and about. I've been puttering around the house and yard with the critters and reading Christopher Moore's Lamb (trying to get in some more pleasure reading before school starts). It's my last week of freedom! I'm looking forward to setting up my classroom starting next week, and meeting the new TFA Corps Members teaching at our site. I'll also be taking an evening Linguistics class at NHU (I hope it's at least reasonably academic, and not one of those applied "teacher education" courses), so I'll be in class until 9:30P on TR. This does not bode well for my leisure time. This Saturday I'm going to a seminar on "Disciplining with Love and Logic," which should no doubt be titled "Asserting Your Absolute Authority over Children without Feeling Guilty." Ick.

When Dennis and I went shopping recently, we parked by the Jamba Juice (which is in the same strip mall-type lot as Albertson's, where we were shopping). So we were heading back to the car with about six bags of groceries and a case of bottled water, when, about 20 feet from the car, the cart's wheels locked up. Apparently, the store has some sort of anti-theft device on their carts. Fine. But we were still in the same parking lot! So, thanks to the anti-helpful device, we had to go back and forth lugging the bags and the case of water across the just-far-enough-to-be-annoying distance to the car. If I were a grumbly sort of person, I'd be grumbling.

Okay, the cats are looking expectant, so I will feed them and then go out to feed myself. Heavenly Salad from Vegetarian House is calling to me! Yummy food, and cult propaganda. What more could one ask?

Disturbing link of the day: Empower yourself!.

I haven't been sleeping at night, as you can tell by my participation in the following meme:
( Kissing Survey )

Quiet Girl
What kind of little girl were YOU?
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That's about right, I guess. I wasn't shy, but I tended to have "best friends" with whom I spent time most often. I played a lot of different group and individual games, such as clubhouse and tea party, and with many different toys, like Speak n' Spell, Lincoln Logs, Barrel of Monkeys, Cooties, Pick-up Sticks, Mr. Potato Head, Legos, Tinkertoys, etc. I had lots of figures, like Star Wars, cowboys and safari animals. I had stuffed animals, in particular Misty Bear and Ali Gator, and a Cabbage Patch Kid named CeeCee. I also collected lots of stuff: rocks and minerals, coins, stickers, animal figurines, marbles, et al. At my grandparents' house, I played with Barbies, cards, and old family board games. I took lots of wandering treks down by the creek that ran through their property, and when we lived in the foothills, I took long hikes with our sheepdog Willy. I listened to records, like the Muppet Musicians of Bremen, Winnie the Pooh, Alice in Wonderland and the Jungle Book. I read and read and read both fiction and non-fiction. I liked grown-up books, but I also enjoyed Nancy Drew, Laura Ingalls Wilder, the Narnia books, and Madeleine L'Engle, and I had several sets of children's encyclopedias that I read repeatedly. I liked arts and crafts, and my mom and I did tons of projects together. I watched some TV, mostly PBS stuff like 3-2-1 Contact, Wordsmith, All Creatures Great and Small, and Sesame Street, but also Scooby Doo, the Smurfs, etc. Later I watched the Six-Million-Dollar Man, the Bionic Woman, The Hulk, Superwoman, Magnum PI, and the like. I took lots of lessons: dance (ballet, jazz and tap), horseback riding, karate, swimming, and music. I don't remember an imaginary friend, but I used to narrate my life like a book in my head. I kept a diary (Hello Kitty with a little lock and key), too. It was even better than LJ.

Our bunny Sam died this morning. He has had chronic health issues, and neurological damage in one of his legs. tutordennis, threetimes and I know it was the best decision for Sam, but it's so hard to say goodbye.

I called B to tell him. "Thank you. Goodbye." *click* Why is he doing this? Does it make him feel better to have become such a monster? I know I hurt him, but Sam certainly didn't. And whatever B's convinced himself about me, does that obviate the fact that he and I spent a third of our lives together happily?

I don't understand. I don't understand at all.