A Secret History

• 09:33 Need some pudding. Tapioca, mayhap? #
• 09:58 Alex CF presents his Chrono Displacement Device: alexcf.com/blog/?p=80 #
• 11:21 Beautiful laser etchings on Moleskines: tinyurl.com/5jwl74 (I simply must learn to laser etch now.) #
• 12:06 Breathing. #
• 15:38 ♫ I have your heart/it beats inside/it's only three inches wide/I have your heart/I have your heart/I have your heart... ♫ #
• 19:58 Whenever I wear black velvet, Spencer (my mostly-white kitty) wants to cuddle. Ah well. #
• 00:43 Pleasantly sleepy and loved. #

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• 07:28 Zoooooom. #
• 09:54 My rings keep falling off my hands again. But I refuse to have them resized even smaller. #
• 14:39 @winterredwood: Good luck with the new wheels. *hug* #
• 16:40 Dreamt of beekeeping and losing my way in the suddenly-labyrinthine home of a friend. #
• 16:44 David Lynch's short using the Lumière brothers' original cinématographe hand-cranked camera invented in the 1890s: tinyurl.com/rqylu #
• 16:48 "City of Ember" is an upcoming movie about a steampunk underground city and (of course) the fate of all mankind: www.cityofember.com/ #
• 16:51 A woman named Amy Walker introduces herself in 21 different accents: tinyurl.com/35nooo #
• 16:53 @basykes: Thank goodness puppy is safe. Don't beat yourself up too much, dear. #
• 18:16 A very nice lunch and stroll. And @shoutingboy delivered my jaw models to Kaiser-SC; such a mensch! #
• 19:41 Having feelings. Mixed ones. #
• 19:56 The Dolls covered one of my favorite Leonard Cohen songs last night for their 2nd encore: tinyurl.com/644x4m #
• 20:34 Somehow I don't think this is a good idea. Braille T-shirt: tinyurl.com/5ln3h3 (via LJ's spurious_logic) #
• 22:58 @westwardho: *feels your chest* #

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Edited to add mysteriously missing Tweets:

• 23:30 Wore contacts today and left glasses in car. "My Glasses! I can't see without my glasses!" http://tinyurl.com/ygk3og
  
• 23:30 Having too much fun with Instructables: http://www.instructables.com/
  
• 23:30 Modern Mechanix: House of Tomorrow (1967 article) http://tinyurl.com/5cshus

My lovely grandparents are coming for my pre-op appointment on 30 May, which is awfully nice of them. Before then, I need to have the final maxillofacial model taken, which I can't do until 16 May. Oddly though, it won't be ready until 19 May, which happens to be the deadline to turn it in to my surgeon at Kaiser Santa Clara so that she can prepare the splint. So I need to pick it up in Menlo Park before work, and then drive it all the way down to Santa Clara after work. You would think the model were hiding the Crown Jewels or something. Although no doubt even the Crown Jewels could be sent through the gorram mails. I'm also fretful that I won't get to ask all my questions until a week before the surgery itself. But generally, I'm in pretty good shape about it all. Dear wonderful tutordennis has that whole week off work, and we've had staggering offers of assistance from friends and family.

I'm working crazy hours from 9-14 May, including the weekend. Besides that period of time, however, I'll now be coming in earlier during the week and leaving early on Fridays, which is stellar. I'll be trying to squeeze in lots of social time before I'm out of commission in June. I'm especially looking forward to the Dresden Dolls show, BayCon, and shaix's birthday celebration later this month.

Oh! I mustn't forget to bake cupcakes tonight. What kind shall I make?

Here's the newer -OLOGY Meme, courtesy of most everyone: ( -OLOGY )

I've been Twittering a bit about my upcoming jaw surgery, but not in any detail. However, I had another consultation yesterday, and finally have a general timeline for the whole process.

It's not particularly noticeable (unless one is looking at my face in profile) but my lower jaw (mandible) is rather small. This causes all manner of delightful muddles like uneven bite pressure, odd wear on my teeth, and temporomandibular joint (TMJ) stress. I don't have sleep apnea, but a sleep study a couple of years ago indicated that my respiration rate during the night was slow enough to cause undue stress on my heart. About eight years ago, jaw surgery was recommended as a possible solution, but I wasn't too keen on the idea. At that point, they wanted to break both my upper jaw (maxilla) and my mandible, and wire my mouth closed for six weeks; eek! So we pursued other options. My teeth have always been pretty straight, but I wore a twin-block retainer for a couple of years to train my mandible forward, and then braces for a year to approximate a proper bite. I take a low dose of Aleve (naproxen sodium, an over-the-counter anti-inflammatory) twice a day if my TMJ starts to grumble. These issues haven't been a big deal, but then again, they haven't been ideal.

So when I acquired health insurance again recently, I procured a referral to Dr. JT, a maxillofacial surgeon at Kaiser in Santa Clara. I gathered up a portfolio of radiographs, panoramic x-rays, dental photos, and models of my teeth and jaw from my previous doctors to bring to our meeting. During our initial consultation, she examined my data, performed measurements, and announced that I only required the mandibular portion of the surgery, and that my jaws would most likely not have to be wired closed during recovery. I was very pleased. The procedure is called a mandibular osteotomy. Dr. JT also demonstrated the surgery on a model of the skull for me (so cool!). Then she walked me through the process:

1. wisdom teeth removal with Dr. LM (three oral surgeon visits done, one scheduled) [Done!]
2. any dental sealants necessary with Dr. GB (three dentist visits done, one scheduled) [Done!]
3. pre-surgery orthodontia with Dr. KT for six months (consultation done, two more ortho visits scheduled, then monthly follow-up appts) [Done!]
4. surgery with Dr. JT (two-and-a-half hour surgery, including a bone graft, hospitalization at Kaiser Santa Clara for three days, at least two weeks before returning to work)
5. post-surgery orthodontia with Dr. KT for six months (monthly follow-up appts, then one to remove brackets)

Slightly boggled, I went on my way with another list of appointments to schedule. So far, I've had my wisdom teeth removed and had half the dental sealants completed (final appointment on 17 Nov). Orthodontia needs to be installed beforehand in order to anchor my jaws during surgery and to fine-tune my new bite, so that will be done on 29 Nov (but I'm able to have clear ceramic brackets on top, which is pleasant). The main surgery at Kaiser Santa Clara is scheduled for June 2008, after another consultation with Dr. JT three weeks prior, in which she goes over the recovery process. For six weeks I'll be restricted to blended foods, which will be an adventure.

Getting my wisdom teeth out was my first experience with general anaesthesia, which served as a little preview for the main surgery. It went very well, and I seem to have no long-term nerve damage (impressively, one of my mandibular nerves was actually tangled up in the root of wisdom tooth #17). My oral surgeon, Dr. LM, performs the tricky surgeries that others won't, and she's all kinds of awesome. (And she gave me Vicodin.) During the upcoming jaw surgery with Dr. JT at Kaiser, there's a 20% chance of permanent nerve damage, but it shouldn't be extensive if it does occur.

So, yes, I'm more than a little preoccupied by all this. In particular, the financial wranglings haven't been very fun. Kaiser covers almost the entire main surgery, but absolutely none of the other steps. I do have Delta Dental, but it has been almost entirely unhelpful (so far our out-of-pocket total has been almost 10K, which is simultaneously ridiculous and terrifying on a teaching salary). But I digress. As I told a friend recently: on the one hand, the upcoming year promises to be, well, rather wretched―but then it will be behind me, and I can look back and hopefully be impressed at how gracefully I've navigated my way through. Plus, I can has more chin! This almost reconciles me to the fact that the words "bone saw" and "my skull" are involved.

It's sobering to realize how much children internalize from spending time with someone (in this case, with me). Sammy said today, "Ms. B—, I have a 'glow' and a 'grow' for you. The 'glow' is that your Spanish is getting better every day. The 'grow' is that you sound funny." Nice. [During Workshop, we give 'glows' and 'grows' when we give feedback.]

Then, a parent came to me after school with this anecdote: "Antonio was misbehaving, and I told him that he was being a bad boy. He responded that 'bad' was too absolute, and said that he was simply making some poor choices." She wanted to know where he'd heard that. I teach five- and six-year-olds, by the way.

Wow. There must be dozens of little parrots-through-a-glass-darkly by now. On the plus side, when our Instructional Coach came in to observe, she asked Jimi why the indefinite article 'a' was listed under the /eɪ/ sound on our Word Wall, when it's sometimes pronounced /ə/. He looked at her oddly and said "But, see, it has the diacritical mark that shows it turns into a schwa when you speak with fluency." Score.

From sylvan: ( Image Meme )

The 'pillars are still trucking along. It always takes me so long to find them that I start to worry that something has happened to them. The shrub isn't that large, about my height, but they're incredibly well-camouflaged. I'd name them, since I like to weigh things down with silly human constructs, but I'm not sure that I can tell them apart. I would like to see the caterpillars walking about, though, because whenever I watch them, they're just hanging around by a few pairs of legs, usually head down. I did see one of them munching on a leaf once, but they've not otherwise been active at all. The silkworms I've met in the past were always running around, and they ate constantly. Perhaps the lethargy of the hornworms is due to their much larger size. I wonder for how long they pupate (i.e. how long I must wait before I pull up the shrub, once they've gone underground).

And despite the suspicions of threetimes, I am not obsessed with caterpillars now. I do continue to find these guys interesting, and I'm enjoying the opportunity to observe them in a natural setting. What better laboratory than my backyard?

We visited Geo's parents on Saturday. They don't mess around; apparently his dad asked him about the nature of our relationship with Dennis within the first fifteen minutes. This is in stark contrast with my family, who, in the decade that I lived with Dennis and B, never asked once. I've generally done well with OPP (Other People's Parents); it has something to do with the schoolgirl-cum-Kindergarten teacher thing, no doubt. Geo's father seems to have survived the shocking (but in reality quite mundane) revelation, anyway.

I just found in my backyard the largest caterpillar that I've ever seen. Some weird berry-like shrub had volunteered in one of my beds next to the azaleas and impatiens. I just let it be, interested to see what it might become. But it didn't seem to become anything of note except an eyesore. Today, I'd had enough and proceeded to try unseat the now largish plant in order to add it to our green waste bin which is picked up on Tuesdays. The attempt was aborted when I noticed the caterpillar. Originally, I thought it was some sort of seed pod, but when I noticed that there were no others on the rest of the plant, I became suspicious and looked more closely. About four inches long, fatter than my thumb, smooth-skinned and horny, the green larva held on to a branch of the shrub with many pairs of little feet in a rather unsettling way. Upon further inspection (from about two feet way, mind you), I noted another such creature nearby on the same plant. By the time I'd summoned threetimes and tutordennis outside to corroborate my amazement and concern, and we'd stood around for a bit, regarding and discussing the caterpillars, their state of aliveness, and possible paths of action regarding the plant, it had become too dark for any further gardening.

For someone who routinely picks up worms, spiders, snails, and other buggy critters regularly (usually in order to move said critter to a safer location), this is perhaps an odd reaction. But I've never been too keen on larval-type critters, large slugs, unidentifiable critters, or really large worms. They just give me a funny feeling. I'm okay with their existence and all, and feel no need to deprive them of life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness, but I'd much prefer that they pursued it elsewhere.

[Edit: Fear of the unknown being what it is, I find that learning more about someone often has a mitigating effect; I've so far narrowed this beastie down to the Sphingidae family. I still feel like I need to go take a shower though.]

Crossposted to gothgardener.

Eheu. I will not be attending Shaun of the Dead on Thursday, as I must coach grown persons in the fine art of diagramming sentences. Is this not taught in grammar school nowadays? Apparently not; the LIN 406 students called for an extra discussion session to go over parsing and other issues in preparation for this weeks' final. I enjoy diagramming, certainly; it's a relaxing and diverting activity (and my brain seems to take to it well). But I'd much rather be nibbling on salty popcorn goodness and watching zombies' heads explode.

On the contrary, first grade is treating me well this year. I love my students, and Ms. B—'s Bookworms have a really powerful classroom culture. Our morning cheer sums it up nicely. ( Read more... ) I don't know whether or not to stay in teaching for a while longer before moving on. This year has been fabulous so far, and I feel that I'm growing as an educator in many ways. Changing the lives and prospects of 20+ disadvantaged students (and their families) per year is an opportunity that should not be undertaken or relinquished lightly. But do I really want to spend my evenings away from my family for the next year, taking courses that don't speak to my inner predilections, in order to clear my credential? What I really want is simply to care for my critters, teach my (future) little ones the aleph-bet, read literature in the original, discuss it with peers, and work in my garden. Amicus Plato, sed magis amica veritas. Unfortunately, seeking truth doesn't come with a salary.

I've just discovered that threetimes's Sims character is engaged to some floozy. What does he see in her? I feel so betrayed.

We used to have magnetic words up on the fridge, but they got lost in the move. That particular set had, I believe, a cooking theme (which was, of course, misused in various shocking and creative ways). I've been meaning to pick up the Shakespeare set that I saw somewhere, so that I can create scathing impromptu diatribes with lots of amusing and antiquated words. But this will keep me happy until I do. It's 'found' poetry and a Magic 8-Ball rolled up in one.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

Can one be sure of another without losing part of the self when that other is gone? I used to feel that a strong sense of self and sufficient self-esteem would protect me from feeling less than whole if I were ever faced with separation from a loved one. But then, gradually, boundaries seemed more and more contrived, the possibility of separation more and more unlikely, and edges became blurred, not worn down by abrasion or time, but simply rusty from disuse.

It is difficult now to parse myself out of what remains. I once had the energy to author myself, a process at once of discovery and creation. But I have precious little creativity these days, and discoveries are not always pleasing. How ironic to send someone away, and then to find that, in a sense, I've gone as well! Perhaps I thought that we would never really be truly without each other, that we, although no longer labeled "together," would still lend to each other our selves (if such a thing can be done), since they complement each other so well.

I was a child when I met him. I am not one now. I don't remember what has happened in between. I know I am not less of a person because I am no longer reflected in his eyes. This, however, does not tell me whither or how to proceed.